Are You Mad at God?
An Ex-Pastor Shares Her Journey.
I went to Bible School, graduated, and held a pastoral position in a small, yet powerful church. I loved serving there as one of the Pastors, and at times preaching sermons to the larger congregation. My entire life was centered around my home and God. I prayed, studied the Bible, conducted Bible Studies, and worked tirelessly in various positions of the church that needed help. Most of all, my personal life was God centered. I loved God with all my heart, and just wanted to serve him, ever evolving to be what God had in mind when creating me. My husband and I brought our children up in the church, and we had a happy secure home life. My husband used to wipe away tears, sitting in the front row of the church, as I delivered sermons.
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This changed drastically. I became extremely mad and separated from any type of relationship with God. I told him I hated him, didn’t want anything to do with him or his followers, and turned away from the church and Him completely.
What caused this dramatic shift? My husband of 23 years confessed to me he was gay. He hid this from me all our married years. He lied, deceived, and spent money on his out-of-town adventures. All this while I served in the church, prayed, and studied the Bible every day, while trusting my husband completely.
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In my intense daily devotions, why didn’t God reveal my husband’s actions? Why did God allow this to be hidden so long? Why didn’t God, the one who I loved with all my heart, love me enough to somehow communicate to me that my marriage was a lie? Being God, he could have used a variety of means to let me know that things weren’t right.
The pain of my husband’s reveal, plus the absolute betrayal from him and from God, was excruciating.
I remember telling God to leave me alone. His promises didn’t work for me. I didn’t care about Him since he obviously didn’t care about me.
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As you read this, you are probably expecting a transforming reversal to these feelings right about now. Maybe you’re thinking I had a lightning bolt moment that explained everything to me. That didn’t happen. For me, the intense betrayal I felt kept me from trusting Him. I was left with a gaping void in my life. Newly divorced, watching my kids go through so much confusion, and the emotional pain I endured cannot be written in words.
Is this you? If so, I urge you to talk to someone who has been there and understands. I tried to talk to my Christian friends, but they were astounded and even personally hurt that I didn’t want anything to do with God now. They had no answers and wanted to distance from me. The confusion, void, and the lifestyle switch left me alone.
I’m here to say there is healing for your brokenness. Take it slow, one baby step at a time. If you are open, you will attain a place of peace with yourself and God again. Things will be different, which may be a good thing, and internal peace can exist. Trust me.
Are you are challenged to allow everyday happiness in your life today? Coaching will help!
Contact me here to chat about your questions and how to proceed. Waiting to hear from you......Linda